Before I gush about the brilliant, heart-breaking piano riff and dimension-ripping tenderness that oozes out of this psuedo-ballad, I'd like to present to everyone the lyrics:
"Out here, I can barely see my breath
Surrounded by jealousy and death
I can't be reached, only had one call
Dragged underneath, separate from you all
This time, I've lost my own return
In spite of everything I've learned
I hid my tracks, spit out all my air
Slipped into cracks, stripped of all my cares
I'm so tired, sheep are counting me
No more struggle, no more energy
No more patient and you can write that down
It's all too crazy and I'm not sticking round"
I'm not a sentimental person. Scratch that, I really am a sentimental person. I'm emotional as hell and I'm going to be a man and admit that right now. I cry easily during emotionally charged movies like 'Dancer in the Dark' and even 'In Bruges' (the suicide bit, not the funny bits.) This song hits me right where I'm tender. It hits that microscopic switch in my brain that runs the old projector that flickers to life and shows memories, on loop, of all the great things I've done in this state during the past year. I jumped in a bounce castle. I played the Mad Men drinking game with a close friend until I vomited (it was tequila and we made it halfway through the pilot before gushing about friendship). I smoked from a bowl made out of a beer bottle. I had a politically charged conversation with a friend's parent. I reconnected with two old acquaintances and became friends with them. I've learned a lot, to be honest. I've learned a shit load about just being confident in my thoughts and actions. I've learned to just say, "Fuck it, people will like me or my name isn't Kevin fucking Patterson." This sounds like a pretty positive post, doesn't it? Well, here's where the song makes me babble and sob.
This Fugazi song is much different from other Fugazi songs because it is set to a slow, melodic piano riff that just seems to accentuate every note and emotion being poured into the lyrics. These lyrics express alienation and naivity. Well, at least it does in my eyes. There's also a hint of depression and suicide in the painful lyrics (is there another word I can use besides lyrics? I feel like I've used it too many times), but I haven't slipped that far yet. You may be asking yourself, well, how does this apply to my current train of thought and college? Just why does this song matter right now?
I've learned so much in the past year, but I can't help but feel powerless when it comes to college. I feel anxious, nervous, nauseous, and uneasy about being completely surrounded by people that have lived year of their lives like the way I lived the past one. They practically float in memories, stories, and confidence. They fucking glow with satisfaction as they continue their conquest. Me? I'll do okay for the first month, I think. Then it will happen. It's like in The Sims. I think I'm ready for a baby, I get one, but then I realize it's more difficult to juggle it in with my daily activities. I scrap the baby. I give up. I feel like I'm going to give up on people for my own self-interests sooner or later because, well, it's easier.
This can't fucking happen. I'll make a tear-pact with you, Fugazi song. I'm going to get over myself and my slacker mentality to become a nice, easy-going person. I swear to you.
And that ending. That abrubt, immediate ending.
"It's all too crazy and I'm not sticking round"
